Screw Your Shitty Band

A lot of you know about The Facebook, where college co-eds go to rack up as many friends as possible, even that guy in English they talked to once. Myspace.com is a similar site, except it doesn't divide itself based on school alliance, but rather, geographical location. Anyway, I enjoy the site. It's mindless fun. But there is one thing that bothers me.

Shitty bands.

Myspace has become a way for bands to network. Indeed, myspace has opened its arms to every garage band with a prepubescent guitar player and a Rob Thomas-soundalike lead singer. Now, I don't claim to be a connoisseur of what the kids like these days. Hell, most of my favorite bands or artists haven't released a newly recorded CD since I graduated high school (see: John Lennon, 2Pac, Sublime, Pink Floyd). Still, this is my blog and today I'm going to bitch about local bands.

It seems that, in an effort to win that recording contract so they can speed up their selling-out timeline and hopefully garner more meaningless post-show fellatio, the bands on myspace have taken to sending me friend requests. I haven't visited their site. I don't indicate liking the type of music they claim to play. Hell, I don't even support their musical influences (speaking of which, I'm sure Iggy Pop is just overjoyed that your crappy band from Dublin, GA draws its inspiration from him). Yet, they still send me a friend request. This is tantamount to them saying "Be my friend, please. I need all the hollow support I can get or I can't do my chord changes right." Well, I'm not buying it. Screw your shitty band, screw your groupies, who will never dig you as much as they do Maroon 5, and screw your future in the music business.

And by the way...when I see you in 10 years after you've spent the good part of your life doing 80s covers at frat parties, the answer is Yes...I do want fries with that. And serenade me with your crappy bass guitar while I eat them.