The Plane O' Death Takes Flight

A few years ago, circa 2001, I briefly dated a girl with a creative imagination. Another one of her less-endearing personality traits, however, was that it was incredibly easy to get on her bad side. Not only did she have this giant bad side, but she used her creativity to quietly get back at her enemies.

Thus, I came to learn about the Plane of Death. The plane of death was an imaginary plane, filled with the objects of her disdain, that was set to crash and rid her world of all whom she loathed.

Well, I'm stealing Ms. X's idea. Now boarding all rows for Noba's Plane of Death. Starting today I will be adding people to my plane of death, which will crash into the California Mountains during one of those insane brushfires that seems to happen every 3 weeks. They will all survive the crash, but suffer horrific burns, upon which they will be pursued by dinosaurs escaped from the set of Jurassic Park 4. Hey, its my fantasy..f*** off.

***FIRST CLASS****

Omarosa - she used to have a last name, but now it's just Omarosa. Why is this woman still on TV 3 years after she was on "The Apprentice?" She's a cast member on "The Surreal Life" season 5, and I never thought anyone could make Balky look so good. Die bitch die. I'm making sure she eats ebola-laced peanuts during the flight, too.

Jesse Jackson - the biggest and, for some reason, most respected publicity whore ever to grace the Earth. Black kid loses the spelling bee? We're gonna march like Martin! Seriously, though, I have a few problems with Jesse. Notice I didn't call him "Reverand" because he's not one - he's never been ordained a minister, reverand, or anything else. He could go by "Sister Jesse" and the title would be just as inapplicable. Second, he's the most self-aggrandizing jackass in history. He touts his times by MLK's side, yet this is the same guy that claimed to be with King when he was shot - which is a lie. He actually went and dipped his clothes in King's blood so he could make the claim that MLK "died in his arms." Oh, and the man's committed more tax fraud than Al Capone. His only job is as the head of a "non-profit" organization, yet he is considered worth somewhere in the area of $4-5 million dollars. He threatens boycotts and marches to force companies to comply with his "demands," which succinctly consist of "Give me money or I'll make sure you get bad publicity." They give in, donate money earmarked for scholarships to his Rainbow coalition, and its never accounted for. The biggest con artist ever. The plane of death will fix him.

Hilary Clinton - anything to keep her from re-Clintonizing the White House. I hope she feels her pain.

Mrs. McCommons - my English professor in college. This woman's husband also happened to be the editor of The Flagpole, the "Village Voice"-ish newspaper back in Athens that would eat grape jelly out of Barney Frank's ass crack if given the chance. Anyway, she dogged me the whole semester, marking me off because she "didn't like my writing." Hmm, wow, I didn't know your personal opinion of what I wrote about was proper justification for trying to flunk me. Seems a little odd in a Creative Writing class. Fortunately, this bitch couldn't flunk me outright, because I aced her easy tests. Still, that's the only B I got my freshman year of college. She was also a punkass whenever I went to her office. Listen Elvira, just because you teach Intro English and your husband publishes a paper that its hippie beatnik readers don't even pay for doesn't mean you can take it out on your students. Enjoy your flight.

The Aflac Duck - Fire the marketing team that put this one together. I can see the brainstorming session now: "Hmmm..what rhymes with Aflac? I know!! Quack!!!! We'll have a duck symbolize an insurance company! Brillant!" Personally, I hope the Aflac duck was a Katrina casualty, but were it not, I've got a seat in coach for him on the Plane O' Death. This is the most ridiculous commercial mascot since those headless bastards in the Country Crock commercials (enough with the butter on bran muffins already!!!).

Ben Stiller - this dude has no shame. He is in every movie, no matter how bad. My biggest fear is that they'll start remaking films with him. Here's the typical formula for a Ben Stiller movie:

Ben Stiller + (midly attractive leading actress) - (believability that said actress would be interested in this dumbass) + (flatulent or handicapped animal) / (midly successful 70s show) + Snoop Dogg = Along Came Starsky and Hutch

OK, that's all for now.