My Solution to the Immigration Issue

(Ed. note: The following may offend some. OK, it will probably offend most people. But before you read this, please realize that the whole premise is pretty much A JOKE. Although there is some half-truth to what's said here, I am fully aware that the whole idea violates several principal tenets of our land - pesky things like civil rights. But again - IT IS A JOKE!)

I don't really have a dog in the immigration battle. On the one hand, it's kind of like the war on drugs - we're not going to keep illegal immigrants from getting into this country, and we can't possibly kick out all the ones who are already here. And just like drugs, the same people that make it desirable for immigrants to come to the US are also the ones who make it possible for them to stay - those who want the services of illegal immigrants (think of it as a corporate addiction to cheap labor of junkie proportions).

So anyway, I was thinking that the two problems are so interrelated - drugs and immigration. So why not flip the script on Mexico? Still don't see where I'm going? I'll lay it out for you.

- The average illegal immigrant comes here to make several times as much as he would make in Mexico. In many ways, they leech off the government. They enroll in public schools (and the Supreme Court has ruled that state and local governments cannot prevent them from doing so), go to public hospitals, etc. In exchange, however, they do provide extremely cheap labor and do the jobs that - let's face it - most Americans don't want to do (at least not without a pay raise). So no one can argue they don't give something back. In many ways, the big housing boom has been fueled by illegal immigrants. I mean, put college grads on a construction crew and it would cost you $3 million for a 2 BR/2 BATH in Alpharetta!

- The crackhead or similar drug addict also leaches off the government. Most get welfare, food stamps, and/or scam the government for disability pay. All of this doesn't even mention the costs of law enfocement, prosecution, and incarceration for drug addicts. Unlike the immigrant, however, the crackhead (or "crackish" types, as Jamie Foxx might say) does not contribute back to society in any way other than occasional comedic value (see Tyrone Biggums from "Chappelle's Show" for one popular example).

- Mexico is essentially the source of both of these seemingly unbeatable social problems - illegal immigration and drug addiction. Even the drugs that get made in Columbia usually come through Mexico before they cross our borders.

See where I'm going with this now? We bitchslap our Mexican friends, via treaty or mere flexing of our muscle, into taking our crackheads in an equal exchange for the hardworking, average illegal immigrant. That way we can rest assured that even if the lesser evil of hardworking illegals exists, at least our crackhead problem is diminishing. Need a chart on how this works? Here it is.

Trade this . . .

. . . For this!

We all know the immigrants will be happy to have some semi-official acceptance. The crackheads will be happy, too. They don't care (and usually don't know) where they are. They will be closer to their product, and will get a home-field discount (which means 2 crack rocks for the price of one sex act!). And the Mexican government, rife with the corruption of the drug lords who have infiltrated it at every level, will get an established customer base! Besides, places like Tijuana were practically built for crackheads, and it's not like the infrastructure of most Mexican cities will be affected one bit by a sudden injection of crackheads - most of their cities are ghettos to begin with!

I think it's a perfect plan (not really). What do you think? (Please don't kill me.)