The Perfect Woman

I've done a lot of thinking about what the perfect woman must look and be like. Why? Because I'm a man. So, off the cuff here for a moment, here's my thoughts.

Hair: Jennifer Ellison (this really really hot British chick); I'll also say that la chica Nhien has got her hair on lock, no matter how much I rag on her about gettin' her hair did.

Eyes: Natalie Portman. James Mayers, a classmate of mine, went to Harvard undergrad and met her. He says she looks like a little boy in person, but even he can't spoil Luke and Leia's mom for me. Mrs. Skywalker has great peepers.

Lips: everyone says Angelina, but I gotta give it to Monica Bellucci. I can understand why Keanu Reeves said "Whoa" after kissing her in "The Matrix Reloaded." True, that's ALL Keanu says, but I woulda said it at that moment too.

Boobs: Jennifer Love Hewitt. I'm sorry but there's not much better
than a wholesome girl with an insanely good ....well, you know. I'm trying to keep this (Jessica Simpson loses out here, because methinks they are fake or at least touched up after seeing the Dukes of Hazzard). I know some lovely ladies personally who have a gorgeous chest, but I don't want to overstep my bounds here, so I'll just shut my mouth. :-)

Skin: Jessica Alba. Jessica, or as I refer to her, "my Babymama," has a great tan that she obtains naturally from frolicing around in a bikini in my dreams each night. I want to touch it. I gotta go to Google Images and find some pics for further research.

Butt: Another person I know that I don't think reads my blogs, but I must tell to go look at this, is my lovely and talented Indian friend Sheena. We're just friends, always have been. But Sheena, as a friend, let me tell you that you have a beautiful booty. I never stared or anything, but hey, here's your props.

Figure: Heidi Klum...who coincedentally....

Legs: Heidi again. The German people are known for making great beer and bratwurst. They are also the home of the luxurious Mercedes. But without a doubt, the most amazing thing they export is those fine stems that woman sits atop of. Sweet lord.

Intelligence: Ann Coulter. The woman can out-debate and out-balls any man out there. She's not afraid of anything. Editor of the Michigan Law Review, Ann practiced law as personal counsel to a Republican Congressman, a personal rights interest group, and as a clerk for a Federal Court of Appeals Judge. Now she is one of the most well-known political pundits on TV, has 4 best-selling books, and a weekly op/ed column. Yes, this all makes me really hot.

Humor: Tina Fey. Hey, I think she's sexy, sue me. First female head writer at SNL, a great Weekend Update host, and the glasses are actually really cute. Everyone knows I like a smart woman in a business suit. Her sense of humor just makes her that much hotter.

Voice: Hmm...who has a sexy voice? Heidi has that cute German accent, but I tend to prefer British ones. Elizabeth Hurley probably doesn't have the sexiest voice, but it is British, it is hot, and so is she. So I'll give this one to her. Kylie Minogue is up there, too.

Personality: Obviously, this is a big one. I already identified a couple personality traits - Humor and Intelligence. But what about the other stuff? How does my perfect woman act? What are her interests? What are her weird quirks and cute habits?

Well, that's something I guess I can't really point to with a celebrity. It's not exactly a surface trait like some of the ones I've named. I can't just put my finger on someone, but I'm hoping one day, someone else helps me figure it out.

(Editor's Note: I tried to have this end sweetly. Did it work?)