Warning: Contents Are Corrosive

This time of year is one that begs self-destruction. With all the stress, pressure, and hand-wringing that goes with exams, my bad moods can spread like a virus. It doesn't help when you're bombarded with selfish people in the midst of a "Sky-is-falling" personal crisis moment, nearly always involving a "significant" (and I use the term loosely because they are usually specks on the plane of existence) other and comical choices about what one must do for love.

Screw that.

It's come down to this for me. My life has been on hold since I graduated from UGA, the 3rd anniversary of which is coming up this week. In one year, that hold will be lifted, and I will be out of 20-something purgatory and entering that thing called "the real world." Remember in "Dazed and Confused" when the chick with the red afro is talking about how their whole lives are preparation, and wonders WHAT ARE WE PREPARING FOR? There's no guarantees that any preparation will pay off in any way. And if they do pay off at all, it's typically just in matters of money and security. Good things to have, mind you...but only in that they are two less things you have to worry about while bopping around in the universe. Which brings me to my next point . . .

I'm a big Sopranos fan; we all know this. Well, for those of you who may not have followed this season so far, Tony gets shot and is hospitalized. One little note left on his bedside, amidst the flowers and get-well-soon cards is an Indian proverb:

"Often I go about in pity for myself, while all the while a great wind carries me across the sky."

Now, much time in the 3rd and 4th episodes were dedicated to coming up with the general message behind this little saying. Here's my take: we bitch, bitch, bitch, and everything gets in the way of seeing that we are a part of something much larger, and that few of our actions will extend beyond our corner of the world. It's kind of like when you look back now on high school and realize how ridiculous it was to even care who you went to prom with, or who liked who or whatever. Back then it was EVERYTHING...but now you just want to take a time machine back there, sit yourself down, maybe slap yourself a little bit, and try to put things in perspective. Existence is insignificance to a certain extent, because no matter what calamity you can picture in your mind, it won't make a bit of difference or impact upon some ball of gas in another galaxy billions of light years away.

Strangely, instead of taking the nihilistic route and just saying it's all worthless, I'm choosing to go to the other extreme. If nothing we say or do matters because we are mere mortals who can never truly understand or substantially affect the universe, then I can't just sit around and monitor my every move, choice, and word with some sort of impending sense of doom that I may go astray. I believe in free will. I believe in controlling your own destiny to a certain extent. But I don't believe my short time on this Earth should be lived worrying about how I can fit into those norms and societal conventions. If I'm on my death bed and I've carved my niche in the world, I'll feel just fine.

No more bullshit and drama. I'm guilty of that stuff too, because I get too protective and too empathetic about the people I care about. I lash out. I tend to hold my loved ones to a really high standard - because I'm basically giving them my greatest gift and it pisses me off if I think it's being abused or belittled. But I still say tell the people you love that you love them in spite of this. If they freak out, it doesn't matter. As Charlie Kaufmann wrote in "Adaptation" - "You are what you love, not what loves you."

I'm not about to pack up some canned goods and live in the woods and be Thoreau all of the sudden now. But as this great wind carries me across the sky, I am at least free to chose how I treat those around me - including myself.


Exams are a really crazy time. That's the only explanation I can give for this VERY different blog entry. But an explanation isn't needed. Pluto and the rings of Saturn won't spontaneously combust because I decided to speak off the cuff today. Those who are my people will completely be able see where I'm coming from, and that's all I'm really concerned about.



May 10th can't come soon enough. Summer 2006 is going to be a really, really strange time. Even though I'll be working full-time, it is still summer between classes for all intents and purposes. Typically, summer is a time of renewal for me. I travel, I am able to kick the social life up a notch, I get back into my hobbies, etc. But since this is the last real "you're not quite an adult because you still have a summer vacation" summer, then it is going to be a serious time of transition. 2L is almost over, 3L is painfully near...and beyond it...real life. By August, I expect to know where the ride of my life is going, and just who among those I love and count as friends will be along for it.