New Insults for 2006

If you're like me, you love to call even your closest friends by some of the most offensive and disturbing names you can come up with. New acquaintances (and a few past dates) have been shocked to hear me use the word "Bitch" directed at a person I just introduced to them as my "roomate," "best friend," or even "My Mom." But if you truly care about someone, you will come up with the most insulting label that you can. So it is time for my 2006 List of Insults. Now you and all your friends can be hip to the newest slang. Thank me later.

10. "Federline" - Men get a bad rap. We're called dogs, deadbeats, and pigs. But none of that could be as bad as getting called by Mr. Spears' moniker. Kevin Federline is odd to me - he's a pretty boy, a dancer, a D-list celebrity, and redneck white trash all at once. This one is best directed at your boy with the dominating girlfriend who makes him look like a whipped bitch. I've found its "rub-salt-in-the-wound" effect both emasculates and humiliates the recipient, making it a very practical male-on-male insult.

9. "iPunkass" - borrowing from the iPod revolution, this one is just a given. Too easy to pass up, so use it.

8. "Asshole" - an Oldie but Goodie, sometimes you just let a classic be a classic.

7. "Bradgelina/Brangelina/whatever" - Like #10, the emasculating effect of calling someone the media's buzzword for the Pitt-Joile pairing can operate as a real symbolic kick in the nuts. Unlike "Federline" however, this one is more appropriate for a friend who is being especially vain and pretty-boyish. It can also be used for a creepy girl who is clincally psycho and/or has a father that looks like Jon Voight. As the unisex title implies, it's gender neutral, so it gets high marks on flexibility.

6. "Biff" - Remember Biff from "Back to the Future?" Of course you do. With the recent release of the BTTF DVDs, Biff Tannen has made his journey from the silver screen to the pop culture embodiment of a big dumb guy who gets manure dumped on him a lot. Use this for a friend who is a big dump guy who gets manure dumped on him a lot.

5. "Liver of La Vida Loca" - anytime you draw a comparison to Ricky Martin, you're doing so in a negative sense.

4. "Penis Grigio" - The movie "Sideways," coupled with the affection some of my friends have with wine, makes this the hip new cut-down of the 2000s. However, only now this spin on Pinot Grigio is in regular rotation with me. (Editor's Note: Penis Noir may be substituted).

3. "Fuck-O" - So I'm watching an episode of the 4th Season of "The Sopranos" the other day when Joe Pantaliano's character, Ralph Cipharetto, steps in a pile of horse manure (Note: 3 times is now the new record for amount of times I've said manure in a post). Angrily, Ralph calls to a stable boy "Fuck-o, where's the hose?" Now I've seen this episode before, and I always laughed at this part. But only during this recent viewing did I understand just how profound this insult is. You take the big one..the F-Word itself, in all its glory...and you add a seemingly innocent "O" to the end. Now the worst cuss word there is also has a degrading clown association. Brillant. (I have to throw "Fuck Stick" in there as an honorable mention, but I couldn't have 2 F-Word insults on such a short list...there are so many).

2. "Little Debbie" - Little Debbie makes delicious snack cakes, of this there can be no debate. However, no male in his 20s wants to be known as making delicious snack cakes. Again, we see something that is so crucial with an insult as to almost be essential - emasculating your insult opponent. Little Debbie is also a good one because of the Little Debbie portrait on the box having such a strong resemblance to the Wendy's Girl. However, calling someone Wendy doesn't have the distinct association with the fast food restaurant. So Little Debbie wins out.

And the number #1 insult of 2006 . . .needing no explanation.... "Brokeback Mountaineer"