Hey Mom!
I'll get right to the point: my mom reads my blog. And many of you may not know my mother, but she is the most paranoid, inquisitive, and tenacious person I know (where do you think I get it from?). So besides checking my myspace page and cross-examining me on the cryptic comments people leave, she also likes to read my blog and assume that she knows exactly what is going on. So, with that in mind, I am going to lay it all on the table, so that she can rest knowing the truth. Specifically, my mom worries that I am constantly on the verge of leading a life of crime, drugs, sexual promiscuity, and support for non-Republican politics. Therefore, I make the following confessions and admissions. Make an appointment with the cardiologist, Ma...cuz you're about to have a heart attack.
I have 7 1/2 illegitimate children (one of them is a midget).
I fathered 3 of them in my mom's Lexus.
I am on Belgium's 10 Most Wanted List.
My friends include Zaccarias Moussaui, Hilary Clinton, and the guy that shot up the Atlanta courthouse last year.
I am dating Susan Sarandon.
When I do client interviews at the Bibb County Jail, I give my clients my home address, as well as a Google printout of how to get there, and the keycode to my alarm system.
I donate 10% of all my earnings to the Democratic Party.
I lost my virginity in 2nd grade. Twice.
I didn't really come to Macon for law school. In fact, I'm not in law school at all. I came down to Macon to pursue opportunities in the fast-growing profession of pimping. The government loan checks I get are really the hos getting me my money.
Bill Clinton didn't put that stain on Monica's dress. 'Nuff said.
I am opposed to marriage because polygamy is illegal, which totally cramps my plans.
Cheddar is gay.
My apartment complex has an open house each week for the residents of the Macon Housing Authority.
I run guns.
My wedding won't be in a Catholic church. You know that Vegas trip I'm planning, Ma? Well, I found out all the drive-thru wedding chapels don't employ any priests, sooo....
Kalb really has sucked dis cock.
When I get my law degree, I plan to be a crusading attorney for the law offices of Ken Nugent because I believe in the power of "One Call, That's all."
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Sorry to disappoint you, mom.
Love,
Your son
posted by Noba @ 6/07/2006 10:15:00 AM
4 comments
4 Comments:
You forgot about that shipment of crack coming in. Can't wait to sell that and give it to the People's Republic of China and promote communism across the nation. I hope for Cheddar’s sake that a democrat will get elected in 2008 so he can finally get married. By the way when I stop by your apartment please clean up after up after all illegitimate children you have so I do not have to kick diapers out of the way to sit down. Of course I will always remember you speech were you proclaimed the class struggle necessarily leads to the dictatorship of the proletariat. Oh yeah by the way the Belgium trip is off, you know why. Man, we had a good time the other night and please tell Susan Sarandon she looked hot but please do not let her into the Lexus.
Also let her know that i do not suck cock but let you cuck dis cock because i feel sorry for you
Kalb.
sorry suck not cuck.
Poor Cheddar. It's sad that you had to sell his kidneys on the black market, but at least you pay off what you owe that hooker Rolanda downtown.
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